Dear God,
You know, I didn't make a new year's resolution this year. I decided that I didn't need one. All I wanted out of this year was for it to be better than last year and for things to ease up a little. That said we were starting to get into a routine. Losing Sandi was hard last year, I still cry and think of her daily. I think she is probably the reason I don't blog as often as I should because who wants to have that in their face every day.
We were doing much better and things were moving along smoothly until Aunt Maureen passed away last month from Lung Cancer. Really God, didn't we learn enough from losing Sandra that way? Aunt Maureen was wonderful, she always made Sandi and I crochet animals, we still have them. She also picked out the cutest outfits for Christmas. She was in her 70's and had made peace with her illness but losing her was still hard and had the added effect of bringing to the surface what we went through with Sandi so recently.
Kevin and I left for our cruise to Mexico just two days after I got back from the funeral and had a great time (more on that later, whole other blog!) and I was sure that we could get back to some semblance of normal, plans were being made for the summer and things were ok again.
Those of you who know us well know that Kevin really hates his job here. He loves working for the railroad but this job has sucked all of the joy out of his life. He works constantly and is berated by a boss he is unhappy working for on a daily basis. He is home more often these days but is stressed out and unhappy. That said, he loves it here almost as much as the girls and I do. We have a great home, an amazing church and friends that we all get along with. It is so rare to find four couples where all of the kids and all of the adults get along and become as close as we have. We joke about building a compound on the north side of town and living as neighbors too!
Enter Job Offer...
Last Tuesday I hurt my back and was in a lot of pain not to mention being exhausted after two days of track and field organizing and just wanted to take a muscle relaxer and go to bed but Kevin wanted to "talk". It would seem that he was asked if he would consider a job change, not a bad thing. It would require a transfer to Omaha again, REALLY BAD THING! He throws this at me in a weakened and drugged state and I have to say I wasn't terribly charitable. I know I signed on for this, I have known and been mostly happy about all 9 of our other moves in the past 15 years but we are HAPPY here! Have I mentioned that I love my house, my kids are happy here, I love my jobs, I have the best girlfriends that I could ask for, they have held me up through the worst year of my life. I know that this is all in your timing and not ours but did you happen to see the look on my child's face when I told her Sunday night? Did you have to hold her as she cried her heart out? Now I have children who are miserable, a wonderfully supportive friend, one that starts crying every time I mention the move and one that won't even talk to me.
As I prepare to drive to Missouri this morning to help present the Sandra Gaddy Memorial Scholarship tonight I am excited to get to see Logan and Lauren. You see, they are the hidden casualties here too. Not only did I lose my sister, I have lost touch with her kids. Their current situation excludes me almost totally and now we are having to move farther away from them. Instead of them being in between us and our parents, now they will be two hours out of the way to have to drive to see them. Mike never bothered to visit when Sandi was alive, could you please lay it on his heart to bring them up once in a while now? My heart breaks that I am not a part of their lives now, I don't want to lose them entirely.
So now, I will pack my bags, load the car and drive to Missouri where we will stay in a hotel because I feel like an unwelcome visitor in my sisters home. Tomorrow after the kids go to school, I will go sit in Sandra's closet and cry while I do what the kids and Mike do, sit there surrounded by the smell of her clothes before I pack them all in boxes to donate to the needy. Then I will drive home and begin the process of being a "good railroad wife" and do what I have to, regardless of what I really want. All I ask is that you ease up a bit, I am not sure how many more hits I can stand.
Your loving servant,
me
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4 comments:
Hi Kristi,
You don't know me, but I knew Sandi from working in the Rogersville School District. My daughter, Katelyn, had her as her
7th grade English teacher and in Jr. High Speech and Debate. She has been one the most influential people in Katelyn's life. Their love of reading, I think, was their special bond. She was always loaning her books that she thought she should read. Many of them were some of Sandi's favorite Christian authors, like Janette Oke and Robin Jones Gunn. My other daughter Kristyn is the same age as Logan and had the same 3rd grade teacher.
I don't think it's a coincidence tonight that I just happened to be thinking of Sandi and logged on to her blog and then skipped over to yours to see how your family was doing. God has laid it on my heart that I needed to tell you that I am praying for you. I pray that he will give you the strength you need to begin your new adventure and that he will comfort you as you go through Sandi's things. I'm also praying for your relationship with Mike, Logan, and Lauren.
A Sister in Christ,
Lori Young
Kristi,
I am always here for you and I will support you through anything, good or bad, easy or hard (on either you or me). I love you and am praying for you, Kevin and the girls daily.
Tammie
Dear Kristi,
I read your blog from time to time to check in and see how everyone is doing. I wanted to share a few things with you and I hope that they bring you some peace. Unfortunately, I've found that in life we are entrusted with great pain and suffering that ultimately, we would not be given without purpose. I struggled through a cancer filled 2007 too and prayed for it to be a wonderful 2008. I lost 2 uncles and an aunt from cancer in 2007 (2 pancreatic and 1 skin), followed by finding Sandi's blog as I looked to get back in touch with her again. Only to start out 2008 with a new and unfortunately metastatic diagnosis of lung cancer in my Dad. My new saying is ... "it could always be worse". It seems cruel and horrible to say, but unfortunately those of us being dealt seemingly cruel, punishing blows are being tested. I now look around and think ... my kids are healthy, I have a home and food, etc., etc. I now find that it is my duty daily to find the beauty in life despite the horror. My favorite line from one of my all time favorite movies (The Color Purple)goes something like this..."I think it makes God angry when you walk by a field of purple and don't take the time to notice". I live by this now. I believe that some good must be behind the horror we are occasionally unfortunate enough to live through. For instance, would I have actually watched my Dad playing Go Fish with my daughter the other day. Would I have just walked by and not noticed the way her small hands fan the cards and the broad smile across his face as she told him to Go Fish. Would I have not stopped where they couldn't see me and watched them with tears of joy and pride in my eyes. Maybe not ... I can see you have much purple in your life too ... with your parents, friends, church, healthy children and spouse. You will make it through this Kristi! You come from the same stock as Sandi, so I have great faith in your strength and fortitude. I wonder sometimes now, if it might just be possible that Sandi led me to you knowing that we would somehow need to know someone else that was suffering. I certainly would much prefer to read that you are happy and merrily tripping through the daisies in life ... on the other hand I do firmly believe that something wonderful must be waiting on the other end of all of this for you. Keep your head up! It's amazing how many people are pulling for you ... more than know!!
Kathryn (Sandi's old roomate)
Hi Kristi,
I have been thinking of Sandi a lot today. I have been thinking of you, your parents and her children so much lately.
We are in the EXACT situation as you regarding your move.
We have a good friend that passed away last year whose wife was kind of the same way as Mike seems to be. Now that a year and 4 months has passed, his wife is realizing how much she, her husband and their children are loved. It took her a while, but she is FINALLY starting to open up and accept love from people that loved her husband. I know it is not an ideal situation with Mike, but eventually, he will come to realize that he, and their children will be loved by so many, because Sandi is loved.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and Mike and Lauren and Logan.
Sandi has always been such a special friend to me and it is very hard to know she is not here.
I am praying for you all,
Love, Dianna Villigan
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