For Tiffany

I know that I have stopped blogging, I guess it comes down to having nothing new to say. There are only so many ways to say that no matter how hard I try to be happy here in Omaha I am failing miserably. I was sure that finding a job here was going to be the answer and I won't lie, it has helped. Having something to keep me busy a gajillion hours a week at least keeps me distracted from the fact that friends here are hard to come by. Do I have acquaintances, yes. Are there people that I relate to in a way that I want to call them and share things with them, not really. More than anything I miss having someone to talk to. I know that you will say that it takes a friend to make one, that I have to be open to the possibility of being friends and I think that I am. For a while I even stopped bitching about being miserable here. That hasn't helped either.

So this week, Megan and Abby went to camp. Their first experience at sleep away camp without anyone they know except a couple of boys from church and each other. I hope that they have fun and enjoy every minute. Kevin mentioned on Sunday that he was going to be gone all week too and so I mentioned that all I needed to do was find somewhere for Katie to go and I could have a couple of days all to myself. My niece from Kansas City was here and invited Katie to spend the week in Kansas with her so I looked forward to a few days ALONE! Kevin of course ruined that last night by surprising me and coming home. It isn't that I don't want him at home but I was SO looking forward to two entire evenings by myself. I wanted the time to be able to not have to put on that happy face and pretend that everything is alright, that I am not wanting to break into tears and curl up into a ball every time I slow down enough from work that the reality hits that that is all I have keeping me from sliding into a deep depression IS work. So I get tonight alone, Kevin will be home again tomorrow and the twins come back from camp on Thursday and then it is off to KC where we will pick up Katie and go to a baseball game.

This is why I don't blog anymore Tiff, no one wants to see what is really inside my head, it is depressing and sad. It isn't so much that I hate Omaha, it isn't a bad place but I do miss being around people who love me and give a damn. Loneliness sucks so much, I would rather be alone on a deserted island because at least there I would know I was alone because there wasn't anyone around instead of feeling lonely in a crowded room. I miss you and Jo and Tammie and Stacey and Debra and most of all Sandi so bad it hurts on a daily basis and I don't quite know what to do with myself so I bury myself in my job and try to just be numb most days, and hey, it has only been 10 months and three days, I just have to get through forever here...

New year....

To quote Natasha Beddingfield....."Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten". ....


I am in the car with the kids and Kevin heading back to Omaha after an amazing week where we managed to see just about everyone that we needed to see. We started out at home for Christmas and packed up the car the next morning to drive to Rolla where we visited with mom and dad and got to see Jess and Nancy to boot! We stayed for two nights and headed off to Springfield where we got to see Mike and the kids and then spent time with Kevin's parents and family. After two nights there we FINALLY got to drive down to Arkansas to stay with friends. We got to attend the annual Millar New Years Eve bash and as I sat there in the wee hours of the first day of the year I listened to Steve singing and watching the family of my heart all in the same place and took a few minutes to think back on the past year and the major changes that have wreaked havoc on my happy world. As I rode in the car today my ipod seems to be in the same mood and has provided a soundtrack for "Kristi's 2008 in review"...

We will start off with a line from Alanis Morrissette, Ironic...

" well life has a funny way of sneakin up on you, When you think everything's okay and everything's going right And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up In your face"

We were doing great, I was loving my jobs, working with the church was finally starting to come together and I liked subbing in the schools too. We went on a cruise to Mexico and had a great week and things were all looking up, BAM....Kevin comes home and says those words that I cringe to hear.." we need to talk". In railroad talk that means "we are moving". Given 24 hours notice everything changed. All of a sudden the carpet was ripped out from under me and Kevin decided to take the job back in Omaha that would mean changing the kids schools and friends and my jobs and friends. While I will agree that this has been a good job change for him it has been brutal for me. We officially moved in the middle of August and have now settled in Omaha. Kind of. The kids seem to be happy enough in school. The twins are more resilient at their age and seem to have handled the change the best. Katie struggles with leaving Amanda behind and it is great to see them together again.

I have been trying as best I can to adjust, There is nothing wrong with the town. We like the amenities that are offered, having Super Target so close is handy, not that I shop there much. As the previous posts point out, we have struggled a LOT to find a church home. St Pauls UMC seemed to be the one but instead lead us to Rockbrook UMC which turned out to be a great place for me as I found a full time job there. The kids don't really care where they are and Kevin is going to struggle more than the rest as he is not used to the traditional service but I say it's good for him considering all of the struggles I have had otherwise. Hopefully the job will be what I need to bring me out of my horrible moods and attitude. I started the week before Christmas and think I like it so far. The hard part will be not being able to go back to Arkansas for the summer like I had planned! Maybe I can still work out a vacation around my birthday!

Until I sat on Stacey's couch and watched all of my friends I didn't realize however how jealous I am that they all get to see each other everyday. (ok, they don't anymore but that is their fault, they could if they tried harder). I wanted to sit there and cry because of how much I miss that. It hasn't gone away. I was thinking that it was getting easier and better and that the people I have met here would help with that huge hole in my heart that is still breaking. Don't get me wrong, I have met a few people and Angie has helped to keep me sane but there is something about friends that already know everything about you! Jo and Marty, Stacey and Don, Tammie and John, I miss you all every minute of each day and hate that I don't get to see you everyday anymore.

I don't usually make new years resolutions but I had one hope for the year 2008, that was to be better than 2007. Losing Sandi made 2007 a brutally hard year and I thought that it had to get better. While nothing that we went through in 2008 was quite as bad as that, we did lose my Aunt to Cancer and to be seperated from the people that have grown closest to me since losing Sandi makes it hard to think that it was any better. I know that God won't give me anything that is harder than I can bear but I sure would like a chance to heal my heart for a while before I have to face the next blow. I think that I am going to make the same wish for 2009, Please don't make it as bad as 2007 and 2008, I don't know if I can take it!