For Tiffany

I know that I have stopped blogging, I guess it comes down to having nothing new to say. There are only so many ways to say that no matter how hard I try to be happy here in Omaha I am failing miserably. I was sure that finding a job here was going to be the answer and I won't lie, it has helped. Having something to keep me busy a gajillion hours a week at least keeps me distracted from the fact that friends here are hard to come by. Do I have acquaintances, yes. Are there people that I relate to in a way that I want to call them and share things with them, not really. More than anything I miss having someone to talk to. I know that you will say that it takes a friend to make one, that I have to be open to the possibility of being friends and I think that I am. For a while I even stopped bitching about being miserable here. That hasn't helped either.

So this week, Megan and Abby went to camp. Their first experience at sleep away camp without anyone they know except a couple of boys from church and each other. I hope that they have fun and enjoy every minute. Kevin mentioned on Sunday that he was going to be gone all week too and so I mentioned that all I needed to do was find somewhere for Katie to go and I could have a couple of days all to myself. My niece from Kansas City was here and invited Katie to spend the week in Kansas with her so I looked forward to a few days ALONE! Kevin of course ruined that last night by surprising me and coming home. It isn't that I don't want him at home but I was SO looking forward to two entire evenings by myself. I wanted the time to be able to not have to put on that happy face and pretend that everything is alright, that I am not wanting to break into tears and curl up into a ball every time I slow down enough from work that the reality hits that that is all I have keeping me from sliding into a deep depression IS work. So I get tonight alone, Kevin will be home again tomorrow and the twins come back from camp on Thursday and then it is off to KC where we will pick up Katie and go to a baseball game.

This is why I don't blog anymore Tiff, no one wants to see what is really inside my head, it is depressing and sad. It isn't so much that I hate Omaha, it isn't a bad place but I do miss being around people who love me and give a damn. Loneliness sucks so much, I would rather be alone on a deserted island because at least there I would know I was alone because there wasn't anyone around instead of feeling lonely in a crowded room. I miss you and Jo and Tammie and Stacey and Debra and most of all Sandi so bad it hurts on a daily basis and I don't quite know what to do with myself so I bury myself in my job and try to just be numb most days, and hey, it has only been 10 months and three days, I just have to get through forever here...